So this one time I performed this piece called I dreamed a dream. It's from the musical les miserable and tells a story of a man named jean vejean and how he touches and blesses the lives of countless people. In the song I dreamed a dream, Fantine a very poor woman just trying to pay the bills to keep her daughter alive, sings of a dream she had long ago and how the world will never give her that dream.
I sang this song at a Christmas concert in 2012. It was my solo and my own work that I had to do to perform that piece. My vocal teacher, urged me to sing this song with hesitation from me seeing as it is a belter song and I hadn't really gained confidence in belting a C in my chest voice quite yet. We began working on it in early October. When I sang it for the first time I sang it all in my head voice and didn't understand what I was singing. ReNae, my vocal teacher, asked me to go home and really really ponder the words and put them into my life.
I went home, and looked over the words. I'm not going to put them here, but you can go look them up for yourself. After sitting at my piano tumbling through the words while playing chords, I realized just how much this song hit home for me. I had had feelings for a boy who I had major crushed on for years and years. Along with realizing that there was no hope with him, I had also just said goodbye to one of my very closest friends. The boy though, really was my motivation in this song. I'm such a girl. I can tell you 10 months ago, I believed he would come someday. Today, I stand here and tell you: no. That will never happen. I'll explain later.
Anyways, upon looking at the lyrics I began to shape my story. I would be singing as if I were fantine to prove something to that truly stupid boy. It really was pathetic.
I also formed another story for myself. I have a been a theatre kid all throughout high school. For three years, I had been casted as what I like to call the "glorified chorus member". Basically this means that I get stuck playing a chorus role but getting all the little non significant solos. Each year as I went to audition for the spring musical, I would stand and sing my little heart out and each time the cast list came out I'd fall a little weaker. I had watched all of my closest friends get the leads I would want. I don't blame it on them, nor do I really blame my director. If he didn't see me in those roles, I guess he didn't see me. This year though, I was so determined to prove that I had a broadway voice. I wasn't JUST a choir kid, I was a kid with real intentions to go sing on broadway! I didn't like how he casted the same people every song in the roles that I wanted so desperately. So I sang this in hopes of starring in my senior show as a lead. It proved I could sing and it proved that I worked hard.
After months of tweaking and working and strengthening my voice to sing this song, I was ready to perform. This concert, is a concert where everyone in my chamber choir (22 of us) gets up and sings a solo. Of course, my name was close to last. I sat listening to every Christmas song in the book. Finally after 19 solos, I got up to the mic. I nodded to reNae and began to sing. Each word coming out manifesting my dreams and hopes. I closed my eyes as I performed. The recording that I have is phenomenal to watch. 7 months after the performance, I watch a girl with hopes and dreams fighting for each one to come true. She stands with confidence and faith that all will come as if should. She looks like a fighter and believer. After singing the song, I bow and look out to the camera. You can see me look straight into the lens and then turn away. 7 months ago I wouldn't dream of having either of the stories I mentioned above not come true.
The boy and I? No. He is not the dream that I wanted. I realized after that song that the words I sang were my way of saying goodbye. There was no hope for a relationship there. It's a good thing I've moved on from him. He would have dragged my heart down lower and lower until I had truly given up.
And my Senior show lead? Yeah that didn't happen either. My director gave me my glorified chorus role and I shined. But I look back still with regret from that. I still look back and think maybe I could've tried harder and maybe I could've put more of me into auditions but it doesn't matter now. I've realized that I'm above that director and that it doesn't matter if he didn't believe in me. I have hundreds of people cheering me on and believing that I am a star.
So why am I writing this? I guess I'm writing this to say that not all of your dreams are going to come true. That's the harsh reality of this world. We want and want and want SO much and it's just not realistic to believe in having everything. Although these dreams didn't come true, I know that wherever this life takes me, my true identity and the best path for me will be taken. That's the beauty of this world. Sometimes things look gloomy and sad, but just remember that God has a plan for you. His dreams for you are much more divine and more important then yours will ever be. The girl I looked at in that recording had NO IDEA the amount of blessings she would receive and what kind of ride this year would take her. She had no idea. I look at myself now, and think: what will 7 months down the road be for me?
Just remember that :)
--Courtney Griggs
