I've spent hours in the practice room in the past 4 days... I think I have been working solely on piano music for at least 9 hours for the past four days. I haven't even begun working on the instrument that Im here for; my voice. I have not been able to sit down in a practice room and feel comfortable singing. I just know how important playing the piano is right now. It's whatever I guess. I wish that I could turn down so many things for church but I can't bring myself to do because then I fail. And I'm not comfortable with failing in someones eyes. I want to prove to everyone here that I am here to work. Why then won't my work pay off?
Today I played in Sacrament Meeting in our ward for a duet and a flute. They couldn't find a time to practice within the three days that they gave me the music (they gave it to me friday) and so this was our full run through was our performance. As I mentioned above, I have been practicing. Hard! But once you add singers and a Flute for Heaven Sakes, and don't practice, then its obviously just not going to be perfect. It wasn't perfect. It was a C+ performance for me at best. I was really frustrated with myself and the hours that I had put into practicing that piece. It was just an all around bummer and I beat myself up for the rest of the meeting. What's worse is that then I got comments afterwards about how they could hear all of my mess ups. And I just beat myself up more. I just can't win lately! With anyone it seems! Ive never felt this alone before. So after church, I ran to my practice room at the Snow Building and I knocked out that song and played it perfectly. Note for note. it made me feel better but I am still so frustrated with myself and that I couldn't bring it when it mattered most.
Feeling alone made me miss my beautiful mother. I miss her beyond words. Why is it that when you don't live with your mom anymore that you want them more? Ive realized since being here how much my mom is my best friend. I texted her to tell her I missed her and she had cut her hair!! She has retro bangs! She looks beautiful. I miss being at her home with her a lot.
I also miss my dad. I spent a good hour and a half on the phone with him trying to fix my computer. I miss his hugs that he would give me when I felt lonely or frustrated with myself.
I wish that home was closer so I could go see them all. It's harder then I even imagined to live this far away. I know I'm here to start my life but I am such a nostalgic person and miss the memories there. I don't do well with change (Does this surprise any of you) So I struggle trying to make new memories that I can cherish.
Anyways, that enough of a depression blog I think for today.
Happy Singing!
Courtney Griggs
You are doing great, every new thing in life takes time to iron out all the kinks. Give yourself time! You are awesome! We miss you too, but know we have to let you find out lots of new things on your own so you can grow!
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you were not the failure in the piece Courtney. Especially if you had to learn a song on short notice. If the other people doing the music couldn't or wouldn't take time to practice as a whole, then that is not your failure. Your success is 1--you agreed to play for someone, 2--you spent time learning the music 3--you followed through and did the hard thing. It is hard to develop a tough skin when you are sensitive, comments hurt etc. Whenever people say things that are hurtful, and many times people don't even know they are being hurtful--I know this might sound geeky but it helps me. . .I say to myself, the Savior had to put up with so many hurtful things in his life--I will follow his example and try to love those who hurt me. And it also helps when I think that in less than 24 hours, nobody but you will remember that you made any mistakes at all or that today was even Sunday. As Anne said "tomorrow is a whole new day, without any mistakes in it" (yet) Love to you, hugs to you. I am so proud that you are at school learning what life is all about on the college level. Grandpa and I have always said that living away from family is probably the most important part of your education. I think that is one of the reasons why HF sent us to earth.
ReplyDeleteThanks Grandma... Miss you. I'd love to face time with you soon! :)
ReplyDeleteYou can do it Courtney! I believe in you! :) Use music (and God!) as your refuge! The people at your church and school are blessed to have you! :)
ReplyDelete